how I told my boyfriend he was going to be a dad

His voice was nervous, even a little shaky.  Even though I couldn't see him I could hear his trepidation over the phone.

"So how did it go?  Did you find out?  What did they say?" He asked.

I had already made up my mind.  I wasn't going to tell him over the phone.  This was something that had to be said face to face.  I only had one shot at it, and I needed to be able to see his reaction.  I needed to be there with him.  I felt it was imperative.  I wanted to blurt it out, but I kept myself calm. We were two days from Valentine's Day and I knew that we'd see each other soon.  I decided I would wait till then to tell him.  I calmly explained to him that I would let him know the news on Valentine's Day.  That way we could talk about things.  He wasn't too thrilled that he had to wait another two days, but I knew I had to be there in front of him looking into his eyes.

We had made a disaster of things and threw a wrench into our plans for life.  I carried this burden alone for the next two days while grapplling with the urge to pick up the phone and tell him everything.  In those that short time fear rose up in me about the possibility of his reaction being less than noble.  After all, we weren't married.  What if the responsibility scared him away?  Then it dawned on me that it was just another consequence of being an unwed mother.  There was nothing telling him that he was obligated to stay.  We had been dating for over a year but now that seemed like an insignificant amount of time.  Did we really know each other that well?  He was twenty-one and I was seventeen.

Valentine's Day came and all I can remember was that I was a nervous wreck.  We were supposed to dine at a restaurant.  I honestly don't remember if we ever made it to the restaurant that night.  Shortly after he picked me up he pulled over to the side of the road.  He explained to me that he had to know and couldn't wait another moment.

I grabbed a hold of his hands and turned to face him.  We looked into each other's eyes and I said it...

"Babe, You and I are going to have a baby."

He hugged me.  He hugged me tight.  We were both shaking.  I knew how he felt for I had been there only two days prior.

Shock.

Fear.

Worry.

Yet, he kissed me and told me he loved me.  He reassured me that we'd get through this together,  that he'd stay by my side, and everything would be okay (sigh of relief).  Suddenly I felt like we could do anything, as long as we were together.

He then said something that startled me.  He told me he absolutely didn't want me telling my parents anything without him.  He wanted to take them to dinner and tell them face to face.  He wanted us to tell them together.  The thought had never occurred to me so I was a little taken aback.  I nervously smiled and agreed.  It made me love him more.  He was going to face my parents, and I wouldn't have to do it alone (even bigger sigh of relief).

While his reaction was better than I had hoped for, it wasn't nearly as good as it could have been if we  had been a few years older and married.  We had robbed each other of well wishes, heart-felt congratulations, and tears of joy.  It was becoming more and more apparent why we should have waited to have sex.  I now realized that he was meant for me, always meant for me...but we had messed with God's plan.  If we had waited and did things the way God wanted us to we wouldn't be in the position we were in.  Now we had to figure out how we would look our parents in the eyes, and break their hearts.

"But they soon forgot what he had done and did not wait for his plan to 

unfold.  In the desert they gave in to their craving; in the wilderness they put God to the test."

Psalm 106:13-14

To learn about how I found out I was going to be a mom click here.

the day my life changed - part two

To read part one...click here


"This can't be happening"

Those were my thoughts on the drive back to my house.  My mascara was long gone and my eyes were pink and swollen from the tears.

My friend was visibly nervous and as she drove I spilled my guts.  I told her how I was wrong and how now my life was changed because of bad choices.  My entire perspective had shifted in the time between the drive to the clinic and the drive home.  No longer was I laughing about our boyfriends and the teenage troubles.  Now I had REAL problems.  My future was cast before my eyes and it looked pretty bleak.  She listened as reality hit me dead on.  I'm sure she was feeling pretty grateful she wasn't me at that particular moment.

As we pulled up to my house, I remember I told her to rethink her relationship and to be careful.  I told her to stop having unprotected sex or she could end up just like me.  I wish I could tell you that those words effected her.  I believe it was just a year later that she ended up pregnant herself.  We said our goodbyes, she wished me luck, and she told me she'd see me at school.

I collected myself and tried to wipe away any evidence of crying from my face as I walked up to the house.  From that moment on it was now about hiding my "little secret".  I walked straight into my room careful to avoid anyone and hoped they wouldn't see me.  Lucky for me the house seemed empty.

I sat on my bed and my mind began to be bombarded with thoughts.  I felt nauseated and dizzy.  I was sweating, nervous, and my head was pounding.  I thought of my boyfriend Anthony.  He had no idea he was going to be a daddy.  I made up my mind then and there that I'd break the news to him gently and it would be in person.  Even though I wanted someone to talk to more than anything I couldn't bear giving him this kind of news over the phone.  I loved him and I wanted to be there with him.  I touched my tummy.  I was scared...so scared but I knew that I already loved this baby.  There was life inside of me and I would protect it.

My mind then went to a scary place.  I couldn't get my mind off of my parents.  I was so frightened that they'd yell at me when they found out.  I imagined that they would kick me out and disown me.  My parents that had been so good to me were now this looming threat.  How could I look them in the eyes?  How could I betray their trust?  I remember my Mom questioning me once or twice about how serious things were getting with Anthony.  I had lied.  The thought of my parents forbidding me to see him was unbearable.  My stomach turned as the room began to spin out of control.

I heard footsteps approaching the bedroom door and then my little sister walked in.  I say little but she was only a couple of years younger than I.  All it took was one look and she stopped dead in her tracks knowing immediately that something was amiss.  Unfortunately, I was never good at hiding my emotions.  I quickly asked her to shut the door.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

She sat next to me as I let it all out and burst into tears.  Her eyes widened as she hugged me.  She listened in stunned silence as I cried and she patted my back as I explained what I had just experienced a short hour ago.

"You can't say a word.  Not a single word to anyone" I cried.

She promised she wouldn't and I could see in her eyes that she knew I meant serious business.  She sat there and tried comforting me the best she could.  I quickly realized that if I hadn't been able to hide it from my sister then the chances of me hiding it from my parents was very slim.  It then became about pretending like nothing was wrong till I could find the right time to tell them.  First things first, I had to figure out how I was going to tell my boyfriend that he was going to be a Father.

Please stop in again soon to read about how I told my boyfriend and parents about my "little news".

Thank you for taking the time to read,
Be blessed.
Natalie

the day my life changed - part one

It was a beautiful warm day in February as I pulled up to the clinic in my good friend's car.  We were laughing and talking about our relationships with our boyfriends.  Really it was just a way to try to distract myself from the fact that I was a month late on my period and that I might be receiving news that could change everything.  My heart was racing and yet I dismissed the thought.

As we walked into the stale building I carefully scanned the crowd.  Young moms and pregnant teens accompanied by their mothers who looked too young to be grandmothers.  All of a sudden I saw a familiar face.  A friend I went to school with the previous year but had lost touch with.  There she was with a stroller and a precious newborn.  I remember feeling sorry for her, and her smiling at me with pity in her eyes.  I know now that she felt sorry for me.  I pressed on, grabbed a clipboard, and proceeded to fill out the paperwork on the clipboard including a fake name.  My friend and I were now incapable of small talk.  She was scared for me, I could feel it.

As I waited for my name to be called, I distinctly remember my own voice going over and over in my head..."Please be negative, please be negative"

Then my fake name was called.  Funny, I don't remember what name I gave or why I didn't give my real one.  I proceeded to a small bathroom where I was asked to urinate in a plastic cup.  The nurses were middle-aged women, and I remember feeling like nothing more than a child.  A child who was pretending to be an adult.  I was seventeen, what was I thinking playing this adult game?  I was then asked to wait in a small waiting room facing a long hallway.  Never were my senses more aware.  I carefully studied each face.  My heart was beating out of my chest and my nerves were going haywire.  I watched who went in what room, studied their demeanor, noted what they carried, and waited to see if they looked my way.  I was looking for some clue as to what kind of news might be coming.

Then she called me.  A tall blonde woman who looked nice enough.  She had a gentle voice and held a file in her hand.  She led me to a tiny room with a few chairs in it and asked me to have a seat.

"Brace yourself, brace yourself..."

I don't remember how she worded it, but I remember that she got right to the point.  My test was positive.  I was pregnant.  My world shattered...I burst into tears.  My worst fear had come true.  My first thought was about my poor parents.  I had ruined their trust, crushed their dreams for me, and I would bring embarrassment to the family.  It broke my heart thinking about how much I would be hurting them.  They didn't deserve this.

As this stranger watched me sob her next words snapped me right back to reality...

"Would you like me to schedule you an abortion for next week?"

I glared at her incredulously.  Had she really just asked me this question?  Was this standard protocol?  Immediately I was aware of the tiny life inside me and my defensive mother instinct kicked in.

"No.  Absolutely not.  I got myself into this mess.  I fully intend on taking responsibility for my baby."

It's funny how quickly your heart and mind can change.  In an instant I had become a mother.  She proceeded to ask me if I had any of the symptoms on her list.  As she read them I began to smile because I had every last one of them.  Nausea, fatigue, headaches, tender breasts, and dizziness.  How  I had even convinced myself that I WASN'T pregnant was beyond me.

I had never felt so alone than at that moment.  The nurses were kind enough to ask my friend (who was still in the waiting room) to join me and it wasn't any consolation.  She was just as scared as me.  I needed someone to talk to.  As our little meeting came to a close the blonde woman asked me if I had any questions.  I asked her if it was okay if I called her, to talk, for advice, for anything.  That was completely out of the ordinary for me.  She gave me other options and support numbers to call.  I quickly realized that this woman had her own life and that I had put her in an uncomfortable position.  If I knew then what I know now I would have realized that the reason I was searching for an authority figure to help fix my problems was because my heart was yearning for Jesus and His answers.  Yet here I was trying to fill His spot with any adult who was willing to listen.

My friend and I left with a file full of pregnancy brochures.  My eyes were red and my face was tear-stained.  My innocence was forever gone.  My childhood erased.  I now faced the unimaginable.  What would my new life be like?

To be continued...here

Thanks for reading,
Natalie

the first of many posts...

So let me get right down to it...I was a teen mom.  I had my first-born child at the age of eighteen.  I gave birth to my son four months after I graduated High School in October of the year 1997.  I was frightened beyond belief, overwhelmed, ashamed, and excited all at the same time.  I had the weight of the world on my shoulders and felt an immediate sense of responsibility.  The irony of the situation was that I was a child having a child.

If you do the math you will find that I was about 5 months pregnant when I graduated.  I was that girl that nobody thought would get pregnant.  I couldn't even believe it myself.  Maybe that is even you today as you read.  I felt an incredible amount of pressure.  I dealt with the anticipation of shaming my parents (and seeing it come to fruition).  I dealt with the uncomfortable glare and snide remark in the school hallway.  Above all else, I heard and felt negativity coming at me from all directions.  What an incredible emotional burden to take on while expecting your first child and all that comes with that alone.

I am going to save you the suspense and jump right to end of my story.  I have a happy ending.  Don't get me wrong, it was not by my own doing and I had plenty of bumps and scratches along the way.  My story is a true-story about how life isn't necessarily doomed after a teen pregnancy and how things will always work out with God's help.  Embark with me on my journey of love, enlightenment, and remarkable discoveries.  We will be diving into learning experiences together and learning the purpose behind them.  I can't wait to know you all better and hear your personal stories too.

Thank you for following "Victoriously Me"

Natalie