why abortion wasn't an option

No one explains this to you when you are expecting at seventeen years old but I'm going to try and shed light on the subject.

There is an instant connection with the baby growing inside you

After finding out that I was pregnant for the first time there was a flood of emotions that came with it.  It was an incredibly scary time and I don't think I've experienced that level of anxiety since.  However, I felt a bond to the tiny life that was inside me.  Call it mother instinct if you will, I call it love.

Thinking back to before it was actually confirmed that I was pregnant I would sometimes ponder on the possibility that I might be and the reason being that I couldn't ignore this heaviness inside me.  A literal heaviness.  Something that carried weight.  I'm not sure if I'm alone in this feeling because I've never heard anyone else mention it.  I can tell you that this same heaviness was evident in my very first weeks of my second pregnancy as well.

Life

Connection

Bond

I was no longer just one person but now I was two.  I was responsible for the life inside me.  I started eating better, getting more rest, and drinking plenty of water.  I cared about wanting the best for my baby.

I distinctly remember thinking about how the nurse had offered to schedule me an appointment for an abortion.  I recollected how easy and quick they tried to make that decision for a young girl without her parents even knowing.  I had heard of more than one girl getting one at my age (even younger) but I could not even fathom the possibility of it.  I imagined the horror of that tiny life being cut from me.  It had to be painful because there was connection, life, and an immediate bond.  I thought of the women who had the misfortune of miscarrying and my heart hurt for them.  I remember tearing up at the thought of my baby not surviving long enough to be born and it nearly broke my heart.

Responsibility

Responsibility loomed and the threat of my destroyed life was on the horizon.  I could no longer be an adolescent without a care.  I could no longer make decisions just for myself.  I was now expecting a baby that I had to feed, clothe, and raise into a responsible adult.  Sure, I could have thought of a million reasons as to why aborting my baby might be the simpler way out.  I could have argued the point that it really wasn't a baby till it was born and took it's first breath like so many others do (which is not what I believe).  I could have made valid excuses as to why my goals were much too important and I couldn't give them up to raise a baby.  The problem was that they would all be MY excuses.  Selfish excuses.  I could have pushed my morals aside, tried to forget my relationship with God, hid my feelings of conviction, and erased my unplanned pregnancy.  The thing was that I understood at that young age that there was no hiding from God.  I would have to answer one day for my actions.  I knew in my heart that abortion was wrong and that to destroy this child was to destroy God's plan.  To abort was to stand defiant before God and tell Him that I knew what was best for my life.  That's not something I could bear to do.

I recently came across photos on a blog that a mother shared of her seven and eight week old babies that she had miscarried.  It was beautiful to see how delicate and precious these babies were at such an early point in development.  She showed that their tiny lives mattered.  That their forms were (even at the stage) more than just flesh, but human babies.  I have taken the liberty of posting her link here.  We hear so much in the news about Planned Parenthood and the dehumanization they are committing by selling body parts of aborted babies.  There is no denying the fact that those little babies have more value than any amount of money can replace. If you are faced with the decision of aborting your baby or keeping it, I urge you to keep your child.  I pray that God gives you the courage to face the challenge of raising that baby with love and guidance.  To make good of a bad situation and to say that your baby matters more to you than yourself.  I promise, you won't regret it.

Perhaps you are reading this and it's too late.  You've already made that choice.  Please know that with true remorse and repentance comes forgiveness.  It's not too late to turn it all around and for God to make good of the damage that was caused.  It just takes faith.

Be blessed,
Natalie

I'm linking up at...

Grace & Truth

and #RaRaLinkup

the day my life changed - part one

It was a beautiful warm day in February as I pulled up to the clinic in my good friend's car.  We were laughing and talking about our relationships with our boyfriends.  Really it was just a way to try to distract myself from the fact that I was a month late on my period and that I might be receiving news that could change everything.  My heart was racing and yet I dismissed the thought.

As we walked into the stale building I carefully scanned the crowd.  Young moms and pregnant teens accompanied by their mothers who looked too young to be grandmothers.  All of a sudden I saw a familiar face.  A friend I went to school with the previous year but had lost touch with.  There she was with a stroller and a precious newborn.  I remember feeling sorry for her, and her smiling at me with pity in her eyes.  I know now that she felt sorry for me.  I pressed on, grabbed a clipboard, and proceeded to fill out the paperwork on the clipboard including a fake name.  My friend and I were now incapable of small talk.  She was scared for me, I could feel it.

As I waited for my name to be called, I distinctly remember my own voice going over and over in my head..."Please be negative, please be negative"

Then my fake name was called.  Funny, I don't remember what name I gave or why I didn't give my real one.  I proceeded to a small bathroom where I was asked to urinate in a plastic cup.  The nurses were middle-aged women, and I remember feeling like nothing more than a child.  A child who was pretending to be an adult.  I was seventeen, what was I thinking playing this adult game?  I was then asked to wait in a small waiting room facing a long hallway.  Never were my senses more aware.  I carefully studied each face.  My heart was beating out of my chest and my nerves were going haywire.  I watched who went in what room, studied their demeanor, noted what they carried, and waited to see if they looked my way.  I was looking for some clue as to what kind of news might be coming.

Then she called me.  A tall blonde woman who looked nice enough.  She had a gentle voice and held a file in her hand.  She led me to a tiny room with a few chairs in it and asked me to have a seat.

"Brace yourself, brace yourself..."

I don't remember how she worded it, but I remember that she got right to the point.  My test was positive.  I was pregnant.  My world shattered...I burst into tears.  My worst fear had come true.  My first thought was about my poor parents.  I had ruined their trust, crushed their dreams for me, and I would bring embarrassment to the family.  It broke my heart thinking about how much I would be hurting them.  They didn't deserve this.

As this stranger watched me sob her next words snapped me right back to reality...

"Would you like me to schedule you an abortion for next week?"

I glared at her incredulously.  Had she really just asked me this question?  Was this standard protocol?  Immediately I was aware of the tiny life inside me and my defensive mother instinct kicked in.

"No.  Absolutely not.  I got myself into this mess.  I fully intend on taking responsibility for my baby."

It's funny how quickly your heart and mind can change.  In an instant I had become a mother.  She proceeded to ask me if I had any of the symptoms on her list.  As she read them I began to smile because I had every last one of them.  Nausea, fatigue, headaches, tender breasts, and dizziness.  How  I had even convinced myself that I WASN'T pregnant was beyond me.

I had never felt so alone than at that moment.  The nurses were kind enough to ask my friend (who was still in the waiting room) to join me and it wasn't any consolation.  She was just as scared as me.  I needed someone to talk to.  As our little meeting came to a close the blonde woman asked me if I had any questions.  I asked her if it was okay if I called her, to talk, for advice, for anything.  That was completely out of the ordinary for me.  She gave me other options and support numbers to call.  I quickly realized that this woman had her own life and that I had put her in an uncomfortable position.  If I knew then what I know now I would have realized that the reason I was searching for an authority figure to help fix my problems was because my heart was yearning for Jesus and His answers.  Yet here I was trying to fill His spot with any adult who was willing to listen.

My friend and I left with a file full of pregnancy brochures.  My eyes were red and my face was tear-stained.  My innocence was forever gone.  My childhood erased.  I now faced the unimaginable.  What would my new life be like?

To be continued...here

Thanks for reading,
Natalie