how I told my boyfriend he was going to be a dad

His voice was nervous, even a little shaky.  Even though I couldn't see him I could hear his trepidation over the phone.

"So how did it go?  Did you find out?  What did they say?" He asked.

I had already made up my mind.  I wasn't going to tell him over the phone.  This was something that had to be said face to face.  I only had one shot at it, and I needed to be able to see his reaction.  I needed to be there with him.  I felt it was imperative.  I wanted to blurt it out, but I kept myself calm. We were two days from Valentine's Day and I knew that we'd see each other soon.  I decided I would wait till then to tell him.  I calmly explained to him that I would let him know the news on Valentine's Day.  That way we could talk about things.  He wasn't too thrilled that he had to wait another two days, but I knew I had to be there in front of him looking into his eyes.

We had made a disaster of things and threw a wrench into our plans for life.  I carried this burden alone for the next two days while grapplling with the urge to pick up the phone and tell him everything.  In those that short time fear rose up in me about the possibility of his reaction being less than noble.  After all, we weren't married.  What if the responsibility scared him away?  Then it dawned on me that it was just another consequence of being an unwed mother.  There was nothing telling him that he was obligated to stay.  We had been dating for over a year but now that seemed like an insignificant amount of time.  Did we really know each other that well?  He was twenty-one and I was seventeen.

Valentine's Day came and all I can remember was that I was a nervous wreck.  We were supposed to dine at a restaurant.  I honestly don't remember if we ever made it to the restaurant that night.  Shortly after he picked me up he pulled over to the side of the road.  He explained to me that he had to know and couldn't wait another moment.

I grabbed a hold of his hands and turned to face him.  We looked into each other's eyes and I said it...

"Babe, You and I are going to have a baby."

He hugged me.  He hugged me tight.  We were both shaking.  I knew how he felt for I had been there only two days prior.

Shock.

Fear.

Worry.

Yet, he kissed me and told me he loved me.  He reassured me that we'd get through this together,  that he'd stay by my side, and everything would be okay (sigh of relief).  Suddenly I felt like we could do anything, as long as we were together.

He then said something that startled me.  He told me he absolutely didn't want me telling my parents anything without him.  He wanted to take them to dinner and tell them face to face.  He wanted us to tell them together.  The thought had never occurred to me so I was a little taken aback.  I nervously smiled and agreed.  It made me love him more.  He was going to face my parents, and I wouldn't have to do it alone (even bigger sigh of relief).

While his reaction was better than I had hoped for, it wasn't nearly as good as it could have been if we  had been a few years older and married.  We had robbed each other of well wishes, heart-felt congratulations, and tears of joy.  It was becoming more and more apparent why we should have waited to have sex.  I now realized that he was meant for me, always meant for me...but we had messed with God's plan.  If we had waited and did things the way God wanted us to we wouldn't be in the position we were in.  Now we had to figure out how we would look our parents in the eyes, and break their hearts.

"But they soon forgot what he had done and did not wait for his plan to 

unfold.  In the desert they gave in to their craving; in the wilderness they put God to the test."

Psalm 106:13-14

To learn about how I found out I was going to be a mom click here.

why abortion wasn't an option

No one explains this to you when you are expecting at seventeen years old but I'm going to try and shed light on the subject.

There is an instant connection with the baby growing inside you

After finding out that I was pregnant for the first time there was a flood of emotions that came with it.  It was an incredibly scary time and I don't think I've experienced that level of anxiety since.  However, I felt a bond to the tiny life that was inside me.  Call it mother instinct if you will, I call it love.

Thinking back to before it was actually confirmed that I was pregnant I would sometimes ponder on the possibility that I might be and the reason being that I couldn't ignore this heaviness inside me.  A literal heaviness.  Something that carried weight.  I'm not sure if I'm alone in this feeling because I've never heard anyone else mention it.  I can tell you that this same heaviness was evident in my very first weeks of my second pregnancy as well.

Life

Connection

Bond

I was no longer just one person but now I was two.  I was responsible for the life inside me.  I started eating better, getting more rest, and drinking plenty of water.  I cared about wanting the best for my baby.

I distinctly remember thinking about how the nurse had offered to schedule me an appointment for an abortion.  I recollected how easy and quick they tried to make that decision for a young girl without her parents even knowing.  I had heard of more than one girl getting one at my age (even younger) but I could not even fathom the possibility of it.  I imagined the horror of that tiny life being cut from me.  It had to be painful because there was connection, life, and an immediate bond.  I thought of the women who had the misfortune of miscarrying and my heart hurt for them.  I remember tearing up at the thought of my baby not surviving long enough to be born and it nearly broke my heart.

Responsibility

Responsibility loomed and the threat of my destroyed life was on the horizon.  I could no longer be an adolescent without a care.  I could no longer make decisions just for myself.  I was now expecting a baby that I had to feed, clothe, and raise into a responsible adult.  Sure, I could have thought of a million reasons as to why aborting my baby might be the simpler way out.  I could have argued the point that it really wasn't a baby till it was born and took it's first breath like so many others do (which is not what I believe).  I could have made valid excuses as to why my goals were much too important and I couldn't give them up to raise a baby.  The problem was that they would all be MY excuses.  Selfish excuses.  I could have pushed my morals aside, tried to forget my relationship with God, hid my feelings of conviction, and erased my unplanned pregnancy.  The thing was that I understood at that young age that there was no hiding from God.  I would have to answer one day for my actions.  I knew in my heart that abortion was wrong and that to destroy this child was to destroy God's plan.  To abort was to stand defiant before God and tell Him that I knew what was best for my life.  That's not something I could bear to do.

I recently came across photos on a blog that a mother shared of her seven and eight week old babies that she had miscarried.  It was beautiful to see how delicate and precious these babies were at such an early point in development.  She showed that their tiny lives mattered.  That their forms were (even at the stage) more than just flesh, but human babies.  I have taken the liberty of posting her link here.  We hear so much in the news about Planned Parenthood and the dehumanization they are committing by selling body parts of aborted babies.  There is no denying the fact that those little babies have more value than any amount of money can replace. If you are faced with the decision of aborting your baby or keeping it, I urge you to keep your child.  I pray that God gives you the courage to face the challenge of raising that baby with love and guidance.  To make good of a bad situation and to say that your baby matters more to you than yourself.  I promise, you won't regret it.

Perhaps you are reading this and it's too late.  You've already made that choice.  Please know that with true remorse and repentance comes forgiveness.  It's not too late to turn it all around and for God to make good of the damage that was caused.  It just takes faith.

Be blessed,
Natalie

I'm linking up at...

Grace & Truth

and #RaRaLinkup

the shame I felt being a pregnant teen

No one tells you about the intense feeling of shame that overwhelms you when you find out that you are pregnant at seventeen.  It has a crippling effect and at times it can take your breath away.  You're embarrassed because now you have to reveal to the world that you made a mistake.  You had unprotected sex (against your better judgment) and now you have to pay the price.

I understand that the circumstances behind each teen-pregnancy is different.  Some girls are in love, others barely know the father of the child, some get pregnant on purpose,  and others are sadly forced to have intercourse against their will.  The list goes on and on.  This is simply my story, and it's one out of millions.  I don't think I'm alone when I say that "shame" is a feeling that most teen mothers experience.

I remember being frightened about all of the uncertainties of life.  I did't know how my parents would react, or my how my boyfriend's family would take the news.  Neither one of us was employed, and I was still in high school.  How were we going to support our baby?  Like flood-waters the problems rushed in.  The doubt and fear was almost unbearable.  All I wanted to do was curl up into a ball on the floor and imagine my problems would miraculously disappear.  As we all know, life doesn't work that way.  We either fight, or we give-up.  It came to my surprise to learn that I'm a fighter.  I would fight for my new family.  I would take responsibility for my actions and I would provide for my baby.  This was my life and nothing was going to change it so I had to make the best of it.  We all have choices to make and I could either let the shame destroy me, or I could let it drive me.  I could prove to my family and friends that my circumstances wouldn't defeat me.

My mind was willing but what I didn't know yet was that my flesh wouldn't be up to the task.  My heart needed an immense amount of healing and my life wouldn't succeed without help from the One who was ultimately in charge.  I would be a child flung into an adult world and I was equipped with nothing more than some adolescent emotions and a young man of twenty-one that I was hoping would be my Knight in Shining Armor.  This kind of naive idealism was setting me up for plenty of disappointments.

My saving Grace had come before all this...before I was pregnant, before I met my boyfriend.  It had begun with a prayer that I had said in faith in sincerity.  It began when I was fifteen, and maybe even before then.  My story had already been written, and God would be using my teen pregnancy to grow me.  For it is written...

"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives."  

                                              Genesis 50:20  NIV

The sin of having sex before I was married was what satan had intended on using to destroy me.  The temptation and compromise I was lured into was supposed to diminish my hope and make me feel so ashamed that there would be no way that God would take me back into His loving arms.  Why would He?  I was a mess.  The enemy is a liar and his only agenda is to make us feel like unwanted, unloved, unworthy things that can't possibly be forgiven for our mistakes.  But God says...

"Do not be afraid: you will not be put to shame.  Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.  You will forget the shame of your youth..."

Isaiah 54:4  NIV

God's plan for our lives is so much more than we can dream up ourselves.  Let Him grow you and mold you.  There is no shame in Christ, only love.

Be blessed!
Natalie

the day my life changed - part one

It was a beautiful warm day in February as I pulled up to the clinic in my good friend's car.  We were laughing and talking about our relationships with our boyfriends.  Really it was just a way to try to distract myself from the fact that I was a month late on my period and that I might be receiving news that could change everything.  My heart was racing and yet I dismissed the thought.

As we walked into the stale building I carefully scanned the crowd.  Young moms and pregnant teens accompanied by their mothers who looked too young to be grandmothers.  All of a sudden I saw a familiar face.  A friend I went to school with the previous year but had lost touch with.  There she was with a stroller and a precious newborn.  I remember feeling sorry for her, and her smiling at me with pity in her eyes.  I know now that she felt sorry for me.  I pressed on, grabbed a clipboard, and proceeded to fill out the paperwork on the clipboard including a fake name.  My friend and I were now incapable of small talk.  She was scared for me, I could feel it.

As I waited for my name to be called, I distinctly remember my own voice going over and over in my head..."Please be negative, please be negative"

Then my fake name was called.  Funny, I don't remember what name I gave or why I didn't give my real one.  I proceeded to a small bathroom where I was asked to urinate in a plastic cup.  The nurses were middle-aged women, and I remember feeling like nothing more than a child.  A child who was pretending to be an adult.  I was seventeen, what was I thinking playing this adult game?  I was then asked to wait in a small waiting room facing a long hallway.  Never were my senses more aware.  I carefully studied each face.  My heart was beating out of my chest and my nerves were going haywire.  I watched who went in what room, studied their demeanor, noted what they carried, and waited to see if they looked my way.  I was looking for some clue as to what kind of news might be coming.

Then she called me.  A tall blonde woman who looked nice enough.  She had a gentle voice and held a file in her hand.  She led me to a tiny room with a few chairs in it and asked me to have a seat.

"Brace yourself, brace yourself..."

I don't remember how she worded it, but I remember that she got right to the point.  My test was positive.  I was pregnant.  My world shattered...I burst into tears.  My worst fear had come true.  My first thought was about my poor parents.  I had ruined their trust, crushed their dreams for me, and I would bring embarrassment to the family.  It broke my heart thinking about how much I would be hurting them.  They didn't deserve this.

As this stranger watched me sob her next words snapped me right back to reality...

"Would you like me to schedule you an abortion for next week?"

I glared at her incredulously.  Had she really just asked me this question?  Was this standard protocol?  Immediately I was aware of the tiny life inside me and my defensive mother instinct kicked in.

"No.  Absolutely not.  I got myself into this mess.  I fully intend on taking responsibility for my baby."

It's funny how quickly your heart and mind can change.  In an instant I had become a mother.  She proceeded to ask me if I had any of the symptoms on her list.  As she read them I began to smile because I had every last one of them.  Nausea, fatigue, headaches, tender breasts, and dizziness.  How  I had even convinced myself that I WASN'T pregnant was beyond me.

I had never felt so alone than at that moment.  The nurses were kind enough to ask my friend (who was still in the waiting room) to join me and it wasn't any consolation.  She was just as scared as me.  I needed someone to talk to.  As our little meeting came to a close the blonde woman asked me if I had any questions.  I asked her if it was okay if I called her, to talk, for advice, for anything.  That was completely out of the ordinary for me.  She gave me other options and support numbers to call.  I quickly realized that this woman had her own life and that I had put her in an uncomfortable position.  If I knew then what I know now I would have realized that the reason I was searching for an authority figure to help fix my problems was because my heart was yearning for Jesus and His answers.  Yet here I was trying to fill His spot with any adult who was willing to listen.

My friend and I left with a file full of pregnancy brochures.  My eyes were red and my face was tear-stained.  My innocence was forever gone.  My childhood erased.  I now faced the unimaginable.  What would my new life be like?

To be continued...here

Thanks for reading,
Natalie

the first of many posts...

So let me get right down to it...I was a teen mom.  I had my first-born child at the age of eighteen.  I gave birth to my son four months after I graduated High School in October of the year 1997.  I was frightened beyond belief, overwhelmed, ashamed, and excited all at the same time.  I had the weight of the world on my shoulders and felt an immediate sense of responsibility.  The irony of the situation was that I was a child having a child.

If you do the math you will find that I was about 5 months pregnant when I graduated.  I was that girl that nobody thought would get pregnant.  I couldn't even believe it myself.  Maybe that is even you today as you read.  I felt an incredible amount of pressure.  I dealt with the anticipation of shaming my parents (and seeing it come to fruition).  I dealt with the uncomfortable glare and snide remark in the school hallway.  Above all else, I heard and felt negativity coming at me from all directions.  What an incredible emotional burden to take on while expecting your first child and all that comes with that alone.

I am going to save you the suspense and jump right to end of my story.  I have a happy ending.  Don't get me wrong, it was not by my own doing and I had plenty of bumps and scratches along the way.  My story is a true-story about how life isn't necessarily doomed after a teen pregnancy and how things will always work out with God's help.  Embark with me on my journey of love, enlightenment, and remarkable discoveries.  We will be diving into learning experiences together and learning the purpose behind them.  I can't wait to know you all better and hear your personal stories too.

Thank you for following "Victoriously Me"

Natalie