Wednesday, August 12, 2015

hardship and hope

So there I was...a young girl of seventeen with her whole life ahead of her and now that life looked hopeless.  I could barely see what the following week would look like, let alone years.

If I could go back, I would embrace the old me and and look into my eyes and tell myself that everything would work out.  That there was no need to worry because God was holding me in His right hand, all I needed to do was cling to Him.

"I cling to you;  your right hand upholds me"  

Psalm 63: 8

The Lord doesn't promise us an easy life.  In fact, he says the very opposite.  We will have a life that is filled with trouble.  What I find remarkable is that He offers himself as the escape from the turmoil.  He promises to never leave us alone and tells us that He will give us the strength and endurance we need to finish this race well.  His hand is outstretched and waiting for us to place our palm in His.  He is standing by listening and waiting patiently for us to cry out to Him.  He is immediately there to comfort, support, and defend us, if we would only ask.

There is no denying the fact that we make one mistake after the next and our days are filled with learning experiences.  Remember that the Lord supplies us with His word as guidance on how to deal with the day-to-day and He also gives us the victory through His son.  So when you find yourself knocked down...reach out your hand...and call on Jesus.  He is there to help you onto your feet again.

Thank you for stopping by and may the Lord bless you :-)

I linked up at Grace & Truth

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

the day my life changed - part two

To read part here

"This can't be happening"

Those were my thoughts on the drive back to my house.  My mascara was long gone and my eyes were pink and swollen from the tears.

My friend was visibly nervous and as she drove I spilled my guts.  I told her how I was wrong and how now my life was changed because of bad choices.  My entire perspective had shifted in the time between the drive to the clinic and the drive home.  No longer was I laughing about our boyfriends and the teenage troubles.  Now I had REAL problems.  My future was cast before my eyes and it looked pretty bleak.  She listened as reality hit me dead on.  I'm sure she was feeling pretty grateful she wasn't me at that particular moment.

As we pulled up to my house, I remember I told her to rethink her relationship and to be careful.  I told her to stop having unprotected sex or she could end up just like me.  I wish I could tell you that those words effected her.  I believe it was just a year later that she ended up pregnant herself.  We said our goodbyes, she wished me luck, and she told me she'd see me at school.

I collected myself and tried to wipe away any evidence of crying from my face as I walked up to the house.  From that moment on it was now about hiding my "little secret".  I walked straight into my room careful to avoid anyone and hoped they wouldn't see me.  Lucky for me the house seemed empty.

I sat on my bed and my mind began to be bombarded with thoughts.  I felt nauseated and dizzy.  I was sweating, nervous, and my head was pounding.  I thought of my boyfriend Anthony.  He had no idea he was going to be a daddy.  I made up my mind then and there that I'd break the news to him gently and it would be in person.  Even though I wanted someone to talk to more than anything I couldn't bear giving him this kind of news over the phone.  I loved him and I wanted to be there with him.  I touched my tummy.  I was scared but I knew that I already loved this baby.  There was life inside of me and I would protect it.

My mind then went to a scary place.  I couldn't get my mind off of my parents.  I was so frightened that they'd yell at me when they found out.  I imagined that they would kick me out and disown me.  My parents that had been so good to me were now this looming threat.  How could I look them in the eyes?  How could I betray their trust?  I remember my Mom questioning me once or twice about how serious things were getting with Anthony.  I had lied.  The thought of my parents forbidding me to see him was unbearable.  My stomach turned as the room began to spin out of control.

I heard footsteps approaching the bedroom door and then my little sister walked in.  I say little but she was only a couple of years younger than I.  All it took was one look and she stopped dead in her tracks knowing immediately that something was amiss.  Unfortunately, I was never good at hiding my emotions.  I quickly asked her to shut the door.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

She sat next to me as I let it all out and burst into tears.  Her eyes widened as she hugged me.  She listened in stunned silence as I cried and she patted my back as I explained what I had just experienced a short hour ago.

"You can't say a word.  Not a single word to anyone" I cried.

She promised she wouldn't and I could see in her eyes that she knew I meant serious business.  She sat there and tried comforting me the best she could.  I quickly realized that if I hadn't been able to hide it from my sister then the chances of me hiding it from my parents was very slim.  It then became about pretending like nothing was wrong till I could find the right time to tell them.  First things first, I had to figure out how I was going to tell my boyfriend that he was going to be a Father.

Please stop in again soon to read about how I told my boyfriend and parents about my "little news".

Thank you for taking the time to read,
Be blessed.

Monday, August 3, 2015

the shame I felt being a pregnant teen

No one tells you about the intense feeling of shame that overwhelms you when you find out that you are pregnant at seventeen.  It has a crippling effect and at times it can take your breath away.  You're embarrassed because now you have to reveal to the world that you made a mistake.  You had unprotected sex (against your better judgment) and now you have to pay the price.

I understand that the circumstances behind each teen-pregnancy is different.  Some girls are in love, others barely know the father of the child, some get pregnant on purpose,  and others are sadly forced to have intercourse against their will.  The list goes on and on.  This is simply my story, and it's one out of millions.  I don't think I'm alone when I say that "shame" is a feeling that most teen mothers experience.

I remember being frightened about all of the uncertainties of life.  I did't know how my parents would react, or my how my boyfriend's family would take the news.  Neither one of us was employed, and I was still in high school.  How were we going to support our baby?  Like flood-waters the problems rushed in.  The doubt and fear was almost unbearable.  All I wanted to do was curl up into a ball on the floor and imagine my problems would miraculously disappear.  As we all know, life doesn't work that way.  We either fight, or we give-up.  It came to my surprise to learn that I'm a fighter.  I would fight for my new family.  I would take responsibility for my actions and I would provide for my baby.  This was my life and nothing was going to change it so I had to make the best of it.  We all have choices to make and I could either let the shame destroy me, or I could let it drive me.  I could prove to my family and friends that my circumstances wouldn't defeat me.

My mind was willing but what I didn't know yet was that my flesh wouldn't be up to the task.  My heart needed an immense amount of healing and my life wouldn't succeed without help from the One who was ultimately in charge.  I would be a child flung into an adult world and I was equipped with nothing more than some adolescent emotions and a young man of twenty-one that I was hoping would be my Knight in Shining Armor.  This kind of naive idealism was setting me up for plenty of disappointments.

My saving Grace had come before all this...before I was pregnant, before I met my boyfriend.  It had begun with a prayer that I had said in faith in sincerity.  It began when I was fifteen, and maybe even before then.  My story had already been written, and God would be using my teen pregnancy to grow me.  For it is written...

"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives."  
                                              Genesis 50:20  NIV

The sin of having sex before I was married was what satan had intended on using to destroy me.  The temptation and compromise I was lured into was supposed to diminish my hope and make me feel so ashamed that there would be no way that God would take me back into His loving arms.  Why would He?  I was a mess.  The enemy is a liar and his only agenda is to make us feel like unwanted, unloved, unworthy things that can't possibly be forgiven for our mistakes.  But God says...

"Do not be afraid: you will not be put to shame.  Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated.  You will forget the shame of your youth..."
Isaiah 54:4  NIV

God's plan for our lives is so much more than we can dream up ourselves.  Let Him grow you and mold you.  There is no shame in Christ, only love.

Be blessed!