Thursday, September 17, 2015

how I told my boyfriend he was going to be a dad

His voice was nervous, even a little shaky.  Even though I couldn't see him I could hear his trepidation over the phone.

"So how did it go?  Did you find out?  What did they say?" He asked.

I had already made up my mind.  I wasn't going to tell him over the phone.  This was something that had to be said face to face.  I only had one shot at it, and I needed to be able to see his reaction.  I needed to be there with him.  I felt it was imperative.  I wanted to blurt it out, but I kept myself calm. We were two days from Valentine's Day and I knew that we'd see each other soon.  I decided I would wait till then to tell him.  I calmly explained to him that I would let him know the news on Valentine's Day.  That way we could talk about things.  He wasn't too thrilled that he had to wait another two days, but I knew I had to be there in front of him looking into his eyes.

We had made a disaster of things and threw a wrench into our plans for life.  I carried this burden alone for the next two days while grapplling with the urge to pick up the phone and tell him everything.  In those that short time fear rose up in me about the possibility of his reaction being less than noble.  After all, we weren't married.  What if the responsibility scared him away?  Then it dawned on me that it was just another consequence of being an unwed mother.  There was nothing telling him that he was obligated to stay.  We had been dating for over a year but now that seemed like an insignificant amount of time.  Did we really know each other that well?  He was twenty-one and I was seventeen.

Valentine's Day came and all I can remember was that I was a nervous wreck.  We were supposed to dine at a restaurant.  I honestly don't remember if we ever made it to the restaurant that night.  Shortly after he picked me up he pulled over to the side of the road.  He explained to me that he had to know and couldn't wait another moment.

I grabbed a hold of his hands and turned to face him.  We looked into each other's eyes and I said it...

"Babe, You and I are going to have a baby."

He hugged me.  He hugged me tight.  We were both shaking.  I knew how he felt for I had been there only two days prior.



Yet, he kissed me and told me he loved me.  He reassured me that we'd get through this together,  that he'd stay by my side, and everything would be okay (sigh of relief).  Suddenly I felt like we could do anything, as long as we were together.

He then said something that startled me.  He told me he absolutely didn't want me telling my parents anything without him.  He wanted to take them to dinner and tell them face to face.  He wanted us to tell them together.  The thought had never occurred to me so I was a little taken aback.  I nervously smiled and agreed.  It made me love him more.  He was going to face my parents, and I wouldn't have to do it alone (even bigger sigh of relief).

While his reaction was better than I had hoped for, it wasn't nearly as good as it could have been if we  had been a few years older and married.  We had robbed each other of well wishes, heart-felt congratulations, and tears of joy.  It was becoming more and more apparent why we should have waited to have sex.  I now realized that he was meant for me, always meant for me...but we had messed with God's plan.  If we had waited and did things the way God wanted us to we wouldn't be in the position we were in.  Now we had to figure out how we would look our parents in the eyes, and break their hearts.

"But they soon forgot what he had done and did not wait for his plan to 
unfold.  In the desert they gave in to their craving; in the wilderness they put God to the test."
Psalm 106:13-14

To learn about how I found out I was going to be a mom click here.

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

how I fell in love at sixteen

"You don't know what love is"
"You are too young to understand"
"You're too young to settle down"

That's what I heard as a teenager and guess what?  They were right.  At sixteen I was caught in a whirlwind of emotions and like most teens I thought I had it all figured out.  At that age you feel like you can conquer the world and that anything is possible.  You have your entire life ahead of you and you're young enough to change your mind a few times.

Here is the thing about love.  It defies everything that makes sense.  It stops you dead in your tracks.  It throws you a curve ball and just like that all your plans are out the window.  I was in love at sixteen.  I didn't go out looking for it.  In fact, I can remember telling him that I had no interest in having a boyfriend.  I didn't want to be tied down.  I was just starting my junior year in high school and I had plans for my life.  However, love trumps life.

I met my future husband at a party.  It was a party that I hadn't even planned on going to, but my parents wouldn't allow my little sister to attend without me.  A mutual friend introduced us and while it wasn't exactly fireworks, there was definitely a solid chemistry.  Have you ever met someone and felt like you have known them for years?  That was us.  Conversation flowed, butterflies ensued, and the rest was history.  He was different.  He was my ideal.  The more we talked, the more we found we had in common and we became instant friends.  I was going to church, and he was willing to go with me and we even prayed together.  It was all looking so promising.

Then entered compromise...

With the intense feelings came the willingness to jeopardize things.  That's where we stumbled and fell.  We started lying, sneaking, and doing everything else we weren't supposed to... and it was all for the sake of love.  As you already know, you can't go on forever making the wrong choices.  Eventually it catches up to you and God reveals your secrets.  He teaches you a lesson.  I was about to learn mine at seventeen and by way of an unplanned pregnancy.  Jesus has a way of intervening when we start putting things (whether plans or people) before Him.  Sometimes it takes a slap to get your attention.

"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful.  Later on, however, it produces
a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."
Hebrews 12:11

See, God wanted me to remember my first love.  He was my first love and I should have been obedient to Him and seeking HIS will in my life, not my own.  He used my teen pregnancy to get my eyes back on Him.  I wish I could say the shift in my attention was immediate.  No, I'm afraid it took years of Him disciplining me.  My pregnancy was just the starting off point.

"Stern discipline awaits anyone who leaves the path;
the one who hates correction will die."
Proverbs 15:10

If that verse seems harsh then that is because the truth hurts.  If we don't heed correction we will die in our sin.  We will be consumed by chaos and choked out by our own pride.  God offers us peace if we would only accept His gift and turn from our messy, thoughtless, selfish ways.  I thank Jesus for being so patient with me.  I'm so grateful that at seventeen He reminded me that TRUE love was Him dying on a cross so that I could live.  You see,  it is true.  Love trumps life.  His love most definitely trumps mine.

Thank you for reading.  See you again soon!

Linking up at #TellHisStory

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

why abortion wasn't an option

No one explains this to you when you are expecting at seventeen years old but I'm going to try and shed light on the subject.

There is an instant connection with the baby growing inside you

After finding out that I was pregnant for the first time there was a flood of emotions that came with it.  It was an incredibly scary time and I don't think I've experienced that level of anxiety since.  However, I felt a bond to the tiny life that was inside me.  Call it mother instinct if you will, I call it love.

Thinking back to before it was actually confirmed that I was pregnant I would sometimes ponder on the possibility that I might be and the reason being that I couldn't ignore this heaviness inside me.  A literal heaviness.  Something that carried weight.  I'm not sure if I'm alone in this feeling because I've never heard anyone else mention it.  I can tell you that this same heaviness was evident in my very first weeks of my second pregnancy as well.


I was no longer just one person but now I was two.  I was responsible for the life inside me.  I started eating better, getting more rest, and drinking plenty of water.  I cared about wanting the best for my baby.

I distinctly remember thinking about how the nurse had offered to schedule me an appointment for an abortion.  I recollected how easy and quick they tried to make that decision for a young girl without her parents even knowing.  I had heard of more than one girl getting one at my age (even younger) but I could not even fathom the possibility of it.  I imagined the horror of that tiny life being cut from me.  It had to be painful because there was connection, life, and an immediate bond.  I thought of the women who had the misfortune of miscarrying and my heart hurt for them.  I remember tearing up at the thought of my baby not surviving long enough to be born and it nearly broke my heart.


Responsibility loomed and the threat of my destroyed life was on the horizon.  I could no longer be an adolescent without a care.  I could no longer make decisions just for myself.  I was now expecting a baby that I had to feed, clothe, and raise into a responsible adult.  Sure, I could have thought of a million reasons as to why aborting my baby might be the simpler way out.  I could have argued the point that it really wasn't a baby till it was born and took it's first breath like so many others do (which is not what I believe).  I could have made valid excuses as to why my goals were much too important and I couldn't give them up to raise a baby.  The problem was that they would all be MY excuses.  Selfish excuses.  I could have pushed my morals aside, tried to forget my relationship with God, hid my feelings of conviction, and erased my unplanned pregnancy.  The thing was that I understood at that young age that there was no hiding from God.  I would have to answer one day for my actions.  I knew in my heart that abortion was wrong and that to destroy this child was to destroy God's plan.  To abort was to stand defiant before God and tell Him that I knew what was best for my life.  That's not something I could bear to do.

I recently came across photos on a blog that a mother shared of her seven and eight week old babies that she had miscarried.  It was beautiful to see how delicate and precious these babies were at such an early point in development.  She showed that their tiny lives mattered.  That their forms were (even at the stage) more than just flesh, but human babies.  I have taken the liberty of posting her link here.  We hear so much in the news about Planned Parenthood and the dehumanization they are committing by selling body parts of aborted babies.  There is no denying the fact that those little babies have more value than any amount of money can replace. If you are faced with the decision of aborting your baby or keeping it, I urge you to keep your child.  I pray that God gives you the courage to face the challenge of raising that baby with love and guidance.  To make good of a bad situation and to say that your baby matters more to you than yourself.  I promise, you won't regret it.

Perhaps you are reading this and it's too late.  You've already made that choice.  Please know that with true remorse and repentance comes forgiveness.  It's not too late to turn it all around and for God to make good of the damage that was caused.  It just takes faith.

Be blessed,

I'm linking up at...

Grace & Truth